


Of Guacamole and the Girl I love

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-12-10
Updated: 2005-12-10
Packaged: 2019-01-19 07:17:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12405651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: The Potters are having a diversity ball over summer break! James decides to invite Lily. She accepts, she comes, and they get into a big guacamole fight.





	Of Guacamole and the Girl I love

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

**A/N:** Hi! This is Jade. I've FINALLY figured out how UR.org works, and I uploaded this! Never did it before.

**Plot:** Not much of a plot. This _is_ a one-shot, after all. James's parents are bored out of their minds and decide to hold a diversity ball. James invites Lily, and to his pleasant surprise, she accepts. They get into a guacamole fight at the ball.

**Disclaimer:** No, I don't own Harry Potter. Sorry, I'm not that good of a writer! I don't own the characters, and some of the scenes were swiped from other things. So, some of those things I don't own either.

\-----------------------

I’ve been told that muggle scientists have thought up theories about the atom and how the earth was created and how we all came to live on here and how dinosaurs became extinct and so pretty much they can figure out _anything_ –but I’m betting that they’re still scratching their heads on what possessed Lily Evans to agree to go out with me.

 

It was the summer of ’77 and my parents were bored. I’ve also heard rumors that the rich and famous are always bored, no matter how much money they have, and believe it or not–those rumors are true. Concerning my parents, that is. So, they decide to throw a huge gala celebrating the middle of the summer–the fact that it was half-over and soon they could be back at the Ministry, dealing with important stuff like catching Death Eaters–I swear, everybody’s on vacation, even Lord Voldie-poo and his posse–instead of trying to figure out what wine tastes better, although by the end of those wine-tasting parties, you’re so drunk that you can’t tell if you’re drinking wine made from your own urine.

 

They decided to do something extreme, something never before thought of, and named it the Diversity Ball. We were going to have to do an arseload of shopping, and unfortunately for the poor saps Sirius and I, we had to go along with them.

 

It was a living hell planning the entire thing. First we had to think of all the diverse countries that came to mind, and even though I got an “O”� in History of Magic, I couldn’t draw anything out of mind. 

 

Sirius suggested mermaids and Sirens from Greece and the Salem Witch Institute, and then there were those weirdos from Rome and Athens that worshipped the weirdest and most RANDOM gods and goddesses, and then we invited those really creepy Egyptians and before you could say “I hate planning balls! Never make me do this ever, ever again for as long as I live!”� we had invited at least one person from every country that ever existed.

 

I hated those invitations. Luckily, we had passed our tests earlier in our 6th year and so we got to use our wands. Although we did make several mistakes, accidentally saying, “Diver City Boob: come dressed in your native land!”� Dad came to our rescue, thank goodness, so that way Mum wouldn’t see and unleash her wrath.

 

I’d rather not mention shopping. Mum and a couple billion of her friends dragged Dad and Sirius and I all over Diagon Alley with them to get our opinion on their robes. Then they threw about seventy shopping bags on us to carry them all, and then they threw robes on us, which were about the ugliest things I’ve ever seen. Wait, didn’t I say I wouldn’t mention shopping?

 

I sent an invitation to Lily and a couple of her friends–that way, she wouldn’t be so lonely–and I was surprised to see her brown barn owl come flying back to me accepting the invitation. 

 

The week of the ball was pure human torture. It was a cruel and unusual punishment that I wouldn’t wish on anybody–well, except for Snape–and it was spent under the thumb of my bossy mum. The day before the ball we spent 24 hours nonstop in the ballroom, decorating it with all this multi-cultural crap that I really couldn’t care less if they were smuggled illegally from the country and I nearly broke my back falling off the flying ladder.

 

I would have to credit my parents with one thing–okay, just my mum, Dad just sat around and agreed with everything she said–Mum does know how to plan balls. The ballroom looked fabulous. And of course, so did I. 

 

I decided to get a leopard-print tunic that was imported from Sri Lanka and got a cool little hat along with it. I gave myself a self-tan to make me look darker–telling nobody this, by the way, if Sirius found out he’d abuse me for life–and put on leather sandals to complete the outfit. As I looked in the mirror, I gave myself a thumbs-up. I then strolled out to the ballroom with Sirius, who was wearing a grass skirt. 

 

“What country?”� I asked him.

 

“Erm…I tried Tonga. I thought it’d be pretty cool to wear something like that,”� he explained lamely as we ventured towards the ballroom. 

 

“I wonder what Lily will be wearing?”�

 

“If you’re lucky, nothing. She may have decided to go with the nudist witches and wizards colonies.”�

 

I blushed as a bad thought came to my mind, but I quickly shoved it out. “Gross! No way. I don’t want that. I want something…exotic.”�

 

“Really? I was thinking that she’d just come wearing her Hogwarts uniform.”�

 

As we walked into the elaborately decorated ballroom, I prayed that Lily was _not_ naked or wearing her Hogwarts uniform. The party was already in full-blast and we arrived fashionably late. I flitted in and out through various people, but not one of them was my adorable-chinned beauty.

 

I sighed at my unsuccessful attempt. I looked around for Sirius, who had already disappeared, but had no luck. I went over to the refreshment table and took out a corn chip and dipped it into the guacamole.

 

I waved at Peter and Remus, who were both wearing kimonos, and ate some more guacamole. This was really good stuff. I decided that when I died, I would want to meet the person who invented guacamole and shake their hand.

 

“Hello, James.”� My stomach did a magnificent dive into the region of my intestines, which lurched forward and provoked my spinal chord into launching my heart up into my throat, thusly causing me to be unable to breathe. I turned around slowly and faced a very pretty girl.

 

Somehow I managed to squeeze out the words, “HiLilyhowareyou?”� and not vomit my voice box all over. I am _so_ glad I wasn’t blushing. I became a master at that in 5th year, when I first asked out Lily Evans.

 

She smiled at me. “Oh, I’m just fine.”�

I glanced at her costume and–okay, this is where my cousin Angela jumps in because I stink at describing things–I saw that she was wearing very shiny and glittery green pants that led down to green fins. She was wearing a shiny purple tube top of the same material. Her long red hair had huge waves in it and settled around mid-bicep. (I noticed the hair because I’m very big on biceps. I took a quick peek to see if they were big biceps, but alas, they were just regular biceps.) Her eyes (okay, Angela again) were done with green and purple shiny and glittery eye shadow. Her eyes stood out and she looked reeeaaalllllly good. But what the crap was she supposed to be? Oh! She was a mermaid!

 

“Cool.”�

 

“Cool?”� She raised an eyebrow and grinned. “That’s all? How are _you_ , Potter?”�

 

“Er…fine! Yes, just fine. Okay, lie. I’m not fine. I had to spend this past month planning this stupid ball and I didn’t get _any_ sleep at all yesterday until my dad let me use his time-turner to catch up on extra sleep, which was nice.”� This was unusual. Why couldn’t I shut up? Usually it took a great feat to get more than two words out of me.

 

“Ah.”� She turned to the cake section of the refreshments. Wait a minute. She wasn’t supposed to leave! I couldn’t lose her like this!

 

“Lily! Did you get your letter from Hogwarts yet?”�

 

She turned back to me in surprise. “Yes, I did.”�

 

“Me, too. What classes are you taking?”�

 

“Oh, only the same classes I took last year, Transfiguration, Charms, Potions, Arithmancy, History of Magic, Herbology, Defense Against the Dark Arts…”� she counted off her fingers.

 

“Guess what?”� I interrupted. “I’m Head Boy!”�

 

Okay, I hadn’t even told Remus and Peter that. I told only my parents and Sirius that and I was _planning_ on telling them tonight, but Lily got in my way. Curses!

 

“Really?”� she broke out into another huge smile. “Congratulations!”�

 

“Thanks,”� I said, leaning against the table suavely, “I’m really surprised I got it.”�

 

“No offense, but I’m surprised too. You were always pranking around, as I remember.”�

 

“Well, guess there’s more to me than meets the eye,”� I said suggestively. As in, I was suggesting that she’d go out with me to get to know me better.

 

“That really is great. Congratulations.”�

 

“Thanks. How was your summer?”�

 

She told me about how she had an adventure with her sister–a real feat for Lily, apparently–and went on to talk about how she visited her other friends.

 

_Perfect,_ I thought. I’m having a great conversation with the girl I love. What could go wrong? Nothing, I told myself. Besides, I was in complete control. This girl had no affect on me, really. I just can talk to her and not even blush, stutter, fart, belch…

 

Unfortunately, something did go wrong, and she took the liberty of pointing it out for me.

 

“James.”�

 

“Hmmm?”�

 

“Are you listening?”�

 

“Of course!”� I protested. I really _was_. I wasn’t distracted at all, except when I started talking to myself like this–

 

“Then you already know that your elbow is in the guacamole and you’re not doing anything to take it out?”�

 

“What?”�

 

“Your elbow is in the guacamole.”�

 

“Oh, no–“ I whirled around, thusly whipping my elbow out of the guacamole. Unfortunately, the bowl came whipping around also and went flying up, up, up, into the air, it then turned upside down in a perfect 180-degree flip-flop and–oh, no…

 

Lily didn’t even have time to glance up and see the bowl full of the green goop flying towards her perfectly done hair. She was too busy laughing at my puke-green colored elbow. 

 

I closed my eyes and braced myself for the explosion and hexes that were going to be sent my direction. But instead…nothing. All I heard was a bit of giggling. I feared for Lily. Oh, no. People were laughing at her and she was going to blow up and blame it all on me and never, ever go out with me, so forget this chance that she was giving me because I was doomed, doomed for eternity and I might as well take out the wand and _Avada Kedavra_ myself because I’d rather go there–quick, painless, and what the hey! Maybe the afterlife isn’t as bad as I usually fear it might be.

 

I couldn’t take the suspense any longer. I opened my eyes and looked around at everybody except the red-headed beauty in front of me. I saw people laughing in Lily’s direction. Well, maybe I could defend her a bit and hex them all into oblivion. I quickly snuck a glance at Lily to see if she was whipping out her wand to curse me.

 

She _was_ whipping out her wand. I cringed. But then–suddenly, she pointed it at herself. 

 

“No, don’t do it, Lily! It’s not worth it!”�

 

She gave me a queer look. “What, you don’t think I should fix this problem?”� She said, laughing slightly. “Think this is a candid camera moment or something?”�

 

“Now that you mention it, yes!”� Sirius appeared out of nowhere and brought out his camera that he had brought earlier. 

 

“Huh?”� I said stupidly as Sirius shoved me next to Lily. She rolled her eyes, laughing again. A tear coursed down her cheek. “Oh, Lily, I’m really sorry and all, I didn’t mean for it to happen this way, but it was out of my control, but that doesn’t mean you have to commit suicide over this!”�

 

She gave me a queer look. “What? Suicide? What are you talking about?”�

 

“Suicide!”� I stated. “You were pointing your wand at yourself and I knew you were going to do the _Avada Kedavra_ –“ 

 

“If you’re thinking that you’re a master in Legilimens… that is where you would be wrong.”�

 

“What, you weren’t going to commit hara-kiri?”�

 

“Definitely not.”� She sent me another grin as she raised her wand to her head again.

 

What I did next was atrocious. I couldn’t help it. She looked so cute with that confused smile on her face that I did the unthinkable while Sirius was snapping away.

 

I bent over and picked up the bowl that had fallen off of her head and dumped the rest of the guacamole on her head, just to see the expression on her face. And boy, oh boy, even if it meant she would refuse to go out with me for the rest of the year, it was _so worth it_.

 

Diversity Ball: 500 Galleons. Leopard-print tunic: 50 Galleons. Multi-cultural food from all over the world: 100,000 Galleons. The expression on Lily Evans’s face when you dump guacamole all over her: Priceless.

 

Her mouth was agape. I could count the silver fillings in there, and then she would’ve killed me. Her tongue was protruded slightly. Her green eyes looked electric and were wide and full of shock. Her cheeks flushed. I grinned at her. I couldn’t help it. She looked so funny and even though I knew what was going to happen next I still had to laugh. 

 

Predictably, her hand moved slowly to the guacamole in her perfectly-done hair. She grabbed a handful and reached towards me. With her free hand she yanked off my glasses and smeared the glop all over my face. I was lucky my eyes were closed or else I would’ve gone blind for good. I imagined myself walking around with one of those seeing-eye doggie whatsits and saying, “It ‘twas…it ‘twas…guacamole poisoning!”�

 

I opened my eyes and blinked out avocado. I only got a glimpse of it, but I saw that Lily had taken even more guacamole and shoved it through my hair. She was laughing so loudly that you’d have thought that she went mad. I heard Sirius snapping away as I licked the guacamole off my lip. He was taking so many pictures, you could’ve wallpapered the ballroom with the copies. 

 

I suddenly felt something tug at the back of my tunic and I felt a slimy, gooey _something_ slide down my back. Oh, no you don’t. That did it! That draws the line! My eyes snapped open. I dived towards the other guacamole bowls and I dug my hands into it. I hurled it into the air at random (I couldn’t see too well) and it fell on Lily and Sirius. Lily cracked up into more fits of laughter and threw even more guacamole at me then, which I could take, but Sirius…that was a mistake for me. I definitely should _not_ have thrown the guacamole at him. 

 

By the way, where did my glasses go?

 

As if in response to my un-uttered question, I heard a snap as Sirius dumped a HUGE bowl on top of me. 

 

“NOOOO!”� I yelled. Not the glasses! I was as blind as a bat!

 

The next moment, as I remember it, was in total slow motion. I stepped forward to pick up the glasses, but then slipped in the guacamole. I did some sort of weird ballerina twist to maintain myself, but then I was instantly blinded by guacamole and couldn’t balance myself well enough. I fell over on top of Lily, who fell on top of Sirius, who fell on the table. The table broke, unfortunately, and up into the air was flying guacamole, Sirius’s camera, my glasses (now how did they get up there?) and one of Lily’s fins.

 

The guacamole landed on all three of us, sprawled on the floor, the glasses were caught and repaired by Remus, the fin landed on Sirius’s foot, and Peter caught the camera and immediately took a picture of us there on the ballroom floor.

 

After our own laughter had subsided, we immediately realized that the whole ballroom was deadly silent. I could feel the eyes of hundreds of people on us, especially one pair burning fire into mine. Already I knew it was Mum’s–I’m psychic, you know–and I was doomed. If I was forgetting about going out with Lily Evans for 7th year, I might be wondering if I’m even going to go _back_ to Hogwarts after this.

 

But then I heard another laugh. It was Dad’s. Yes! This would work! If Dad got Mum to laugh, then the worst my punishment would be is that I’d have to clean up this crap. Oh, please, please, please, please, please…

 

No. No other laugh except Dad’s. I opened one eye and tried to peek around to see what the other people were doing, but it was too blurry. Instead I imagined everybody staring at Dad while he chuckled insanely. I then heard him clear his throat, cough, and stop laughing. Then I heard Mum’s voice. Oh, boy. I was going to get it.

 

“Mr. Potter.”�

 

Oh, boy. Not only was I in trouble, so was Dad. He was in BIIIIIG trouble when she called him Mr. Potter. Now folks, don’t think that my mum’s a mean person. She’s actually the sweetest human bean you’ll ever meet and is an exceptional cook. However, she rules the roost from dawn ‘til dusk (afterwards you can just par-tay…yeah, right.) and whenever something doesn’t go her way…stay away from her. Especially when she’s been drinking.

 

“Yes, dear?”� he asked meekly. Good goodness of goods. He sounded EXACTLY like me. 

 

“Get over there and talk to your son.”� What? Was she insane? Doesn’t she realize that Dad has no idea how to discipline me at all?

 

“And say what?”�

 

“Tell him that he’ll be cleaning up this mess…and that he shouldn’t ever get into a food fight ever again.”� MERLIN BE PRAISED!

 

“’Aight.”�

 

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! I sat up and immediately repaired my glasses and smiled at Dad. He grinned at me, Lily, and Sirius. We all grinned and it was a grinathon. 

 

“By the way, son,”� he said to me as he pulled up Lily, “you’re grounded.”�

 

That wiped the smile off my face. It dropped onto the guacamole. I bent over to pick it up and plastered it back on while I whipped out my wand, commanding the food to be “sterilized-ish”� and get back into the bowls. 

 

“Crap!”� I said indignantly. As we finished cleaning up the mess, we all stalked out of the ballroom. 

 

“Well,”� said Lily meekly as we walked down the halls towards the bathrooms, “you can’t say that wasn’t fun…because it was.”�

 

“I agree,”� Sirius said, licking guacamole off of his elbow. 

 

Lily looked at him, disgusted. “Sirius, that’s gross.”�

 

“What, licking guacamole off myself?”�

 

“No, licking your elbow. That’s disgusting to watch. How do you manage to do it?”� 

 

We approached the bathrooms. Sirius conjured up straws which we drew and he won. He waltzed into the bathroom while Lily and I waited. I nervously faced Lily.

 

“Sorry I accidentally ruined your costume,”� I apologized, wiping some guacamole glop off of my tunic.

 

“It’s all right,”� she shrugged, wiping some off of her own costume. “It’s not ruined. Nothing a little scourgifying won’t help.”�

 

“Er…Lily?”� So suave of me. I am such a tiger. 

 

“Yup?”�

 

“Quick question.”� I stared at those very shiny pants. They were blinding me.

 

“So shoot me.”�

 

“Will you go out with me?”� Wait a minute. I promise you, I was _NOT not_ NOT going to ask that. What I was going to ask, and I promise, was if there was any guacamole on my ear. I promise. That’s all I was going to ask. I don’t know how the _heck_ that popped out, but apparently I stuck my foot too far in my mouth and it got caught in my throat and now that little dangly thing is tickling it.

 

“Sure, when?”�

 

WHAT? What did she say?

 

“Huh?”�

 

“What?”�

 

“Huh? What? What did you say?”�

 

“I said YES, you great prat.”� She smirked at me. “When?”� She flicked some guacamole off of my ear. I guess there _was_ some on there.

 

“Erm…whenever? Wherever?”�

 

“We’re meant to be together!”� She sang. Her face was about 3 inches from mine. How did it get so close?

 

“Yyyeesss…I guess.”� 

 

“Excellent!”� She leaned forward and closed the distance between us.

 

I’d like to say that she kissed me then and that it was full of a fiery, burning passion and her lips tasted like guacamole, but…she didn’t. Instead, as she leaned over, I closed my eyes, puckered out my lips…and she put one guacamole covered hand up to my face, thusly “closing the distance,”� and shoved me away, laughing as the bathroom door opened, revealing a clean Sirius.

 

“Next!”� He called, and Lily raced me there, but I lost.

 

I’m still wondering why in the world she accepted my offer. Einstein may be able to calculate mass and energy being the same or whatever that “E=mc squared”� thing is, Pouli may be able to think up Quantum numbers for particles…but I swear, it’s going to take the lives of even the greatest scientists.

 

It wasn’t till the beginning of 7th year till she did go out with me, and she didn’t even let me kiss her till our second date! I mean, come on! I tried to be as romantic as I could…

 

Maybe I overdid it a little. I got some new dress robes from Madam Malkin’s, got her flowers (Lilies), sprayed on some delicious smelling cologne that I borrowed from Sirius, took her on a romantic broomstick ride around the lake, got butterbeers and dinner at the Three Broomsticks, and I was so expecting a goodnight kiss.

 

But I had to wait for the second date. I was only expecting one, which was one of the best dates of my life, if I do say so myself, but she surprised me by saying, “Let’s be sure to do this again real soon!”�

 

So I asked her out for the next weekend. We went out to the kitchens and got guacamole, although this time we put it in our mouths and not on our faces. The house elves were so eager to make it that they ended up using their entire stock of avocados. Then Lily and I ran down the hall yelling, “GUACAMOLE BREATH!”�

 

But, I’d have to say that the perfect ending to _that_ day was when she kissed me. Her lips tasted like guacamole.

\----------------------------  
 **A/N:** So, how was that? Was it all right? I'd really like to get some good constructive critism.


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